For you, who I used to love.

Most days I don’t talk like this, I don’t even think like this. Not out loud at least, and not for all or any of you who might read this. But today I have to be sincere and maybe a little vulnerable. I do not expect all the people in my life to understand all the choices I’ve made. I don’t think I have regrets and I don’t truly believe most of us do, because to me regret comes from hurt and pain…and as slowly and unbearable as it may be, pain eventually goes away. My “regret” never comes from wishing I made a different choices, it comes from knowing the choices I made hurt someone. But I think that it is impossible to find happiness if you cannot live and love in spite of someone else.


People have hurt me, have lied and cheated and done whatever they needed to do in order to find their happiness. And I have done the same.


I know that at the time I had to hate them, I could not understand and I could not justify anything that happened and swore I never would. But, It is so much simpler to comprehend and so much harder to be angry when you let time heal your wounds, and find yourself looking back at the before now that you’re in the after. When you get to the point where you have lost the energy to be angry. When the suffocating hands of hatred have finally loosened their grip, when you stop falling asleep hurt and waking up angry, when you realize that following your heart ultimately means you will break someone else’s and someone else will break yours. And trust me, you will get there. But for now, tell me and whoever else will listen about the pain you feel, and the pain you wish on me. Say whatever you need to say, because we all have to do it, but I have to tell you that I won’t let myself believe it all.


Because even though I lost your love, even though I might not be in love now, there is no such thing as “as good as it gets” and there is no such thing as losing the best thing you ever had. Love is not a onetime thing and love is not something you lose forever. It is not possible to never love again or to never find someone to love you.