The methodology behind the stupid fight phenomenon is not difficult to master. Those of you in relationships know your partner well enough to know exactly what to say or do to strategically degrade their happiness down to your own miserable state of mind. Intentionally prodding someone out to the brink of their sanity only to then manipulate them into believing they are at fault or in any way deserving of this maltreatment, (cleverly brought on by yourself) is an art form we have all skillfully perfected. Therefore, I have compiled a list of various passive aggressive statements and actions which have proven to be victorious in the times I like to let my irrational insecurities take over, and embark on the quest of ultimate button- pushing.
1. Begin your statement with “ So, I was looking on your Facebook page….”
( Literally anything said beyond this point is going to be one of the stupidest things you have ever said, ever).
2. Update your Facebook status to something vague and misleading- causing your partner massive insecurity and your friends (that they hate) to thumbs-up it- cause hey, everyone likes a failing relationship.
3. After ignoring at minimum of 2 phone calls from someone, wait ten more minutes and send them a slighted text message along the lines of, “ Hey, did you need something” or “I’ll call you later”…(when you’re done doing nothing, cause your really not doing anything that hinders you from answering your phone, and they know this.)
4. Make a bold promise you have no intention of keeping.
5. Lead them on by sending suggestive text messages all day about how frisky you want to get later- then throw at fit about how bloated you are-refuse to do anything even remotely sexual- and accuse them of constantly pressuring you to mess around.
6. Avoid being straight forward with your significant other when they repeatedly ask you throughout the day what you’re doing that night. After an all day text-a-thon with your best friends planning a crazy shit show night out, shoot a quick text to your boyfriend/girlfriend informing them that you’ll be going out tonight- and then pretend like you JUST found out what was going on.
7. Avoid being straight forward with your significant other in general, about everything.
8. When they casually comment about how they really don’t feel like going to work today- hastily respond by saying, “Really, cause your job is so hard."
9. When they casually comment about how they really can’t wait to see you again, make them feel clingy and desperate by responding with, “ I just saw you yesterday….”
10. Tell your better half you want to do something-just the two of you this upcoming weekend, impeding their ability to make any plans with anyone else. Then Saturday afternoon, bail. Legitimate reason or not- it’s going to ignite a colossal freak-the-freak out inferno.
11. Ask them where they want to go to dinner, then oppose every suggestion they make.
12. Be texting on your phone incessantly the entire time you guys are hanging out- it helps if you are laughing and smiling as well.
13. Leave the cap off the toothpaste, your clothes on the floor, your various hair styling tools, products and other shit all over the bathroom- then spend your entire day off in bed, doing nothing.
14. As your both preparing for a night out, allow yourself to get unnecessarily irritated by the amount of text messages his/her best friend is sending your partner about their impending excitement. Then on the way to the bar, totally destroy their happy-go-lucky attitude by turning down the radio and saying, “ You’re not going to get all like…super stupid wasted tonight…....right?"
15. Always refer to his friends as “Bros”
16 . Always refer to her friends as “Sluts”
17. Upload a picture to Facebook of you doing something mildly offensive on your vacation (without them) last summer. You know, that vacation you argued about for weeks leading up to, hate-texted throughout, and fought for weeks about afterwards. Then comment on it obsessively with your friends about how you want to go back “Soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad"
18. Suggest that they start working out.
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20. Always forget to call them back, period.
21. Don’t tell them beforehand that you’re meeting up with all your friends after work for some drinks- text them at 1 am and tell them.
22. Upload a picture to Facebook of you doing anything fun, without them.
23. Add one of your exes, then when your significant other see’s that you and Mr.One-Nighter just became “friends”, say something condescending like, “ You’re really going to get mad about something on FACEBOOK.”
24. Constantly lie about the smallest most insignificant things that you have 99.9% of getting called out on anyway- then act all offended when your partner starts questioning you about more serious issues. How dare you assume that because I’ve lied about multiple inconsequential things, I would lie to you about something of substance.
25. And Last but not least………be inconsistent and vague when it comes to discussing your “future” together.
