“Its 7:20 Meghan Elizabeth, get out of bed.”
I was sprawled out facedown and pants-less, still wearing one shoe,with a torn bag of Gardetto’s next to my head. I had to be at my desk at work in 25 minutes.
My mother only uses my middle name when she’s pissed off, and she should be…afterall, Lizzie is in town. My mother loves Lizzie and I mean she probably loves her more than she loves me. But, when Lizzie comes to town it always means one thing; party…and my mother doesn’t touch alcohol.
After throwing on some jeans (thank GOD its casual Friday) and a horrendous pale yellow polo shirt, I attempt to mask the smell of booze and cigarettes by dousing myself in Gucci perfume. However as we all know, this method is never successful and now I just smell like flowers, booze and cigarettes. I wash my face and immediately pile on the bronzer and mascara- before ya know it I am in my car with the window rolled down, day dreaming of Egg McMuffins and soy vanilla lattes.
I squeal into the parking lot and see my manager’s car, SHIT. I am well over twenty minutes late and I don’t look like I slept in, I look like a busted Daytona stripper- and I definitely smell like one. I slipped into the office and went directly to the lobby fridge, I need water. A whole hour passes and no one comes up to the front desk and when I finally see my manager she goes right into a spiel about how she attempted to wear a shirt very similar to the one I’m wearing today, but it looked horrible on her so she threw it away on her lunch break…I have apparently gotten away with my tardiness.
Finally around 10:30 someone comes in. His name is Barry and I’m ninety nine percent sure he’s the love of my life. Damnit! The ONE day I don’t look fabulous and Mr.Ex- Military/Woodsman/I’ll build you a log cabin then make babies in it with you, shows up.
“Well hello there,” he says smirking. I clearly must have a shit-eating grin on my face because he lets out a snorty giggle as he leans down on the desk in front of me.
“What can I do for you this lovely morning Mr…..”
“Barry,” he says,
“ I’m Barry and I’m interested in getting my MBA.”
“Well Business Barry, let me go get someone you can talk to. Can I get you something to drink?” I ask.
“ A beer,” he says.
Yep. I’m in love.
After my future ex-husband leaves, I grab my fourth glass of water and finish up my paperwork. It’s going to be a very, very long day…so I Google “ Destination Weddings” Oh, Barry.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thursday
No wine last night…(and I’m not saying this is some kind of commendable achievement of any sort- I’m just sayin)
I was woken up by the vibration of my cell phone fifteen minutes after my alarm had already gone off. I don’t want to get out of bed today. I want to stay right here…enveloped in my soft, pillowy warm bed, like a little fresh-baked muffin. (Man, I must be hungry?) Finally, it’s a message from someone I don’t mind waking up too…so I swing my legs over the side of my bed and take my muffin self into the bathroom to shower. Hair, make –up, nylons… and I slip on my dark grayish blue Juicy Couture dress. This dress is one of my prized possessions and I haven’t been able to fit into it for well over two years; that is the one and only upside of stress- it looks pretty good on me.
When I stopped to get my morning latte I had completely forgotten my sister wasn’t working, which meant two things; I’d have to actually pay for my coffee and it was probably not going to taste very good. I was correct in both my assumptions. I did however leave a happy customer, because one very sweet young lady complimented me, “ That dress looks great on you, “ she said…if it had been a male I would have replied with a breathy and seemingly nonchalant “ I know,” but it was not, so I graciously thanked her and sauntered out to my car. If only she knew how much I paid for it, I thought, she would probably slap me stupid.
Instead of being ahead of schedule I was now running late. I had planned on getting up early so that I might have time to swing by a used bookstore on my way to work, however; it turned out that showing up there would have been an unsuccessful venture anyway because after calling to see if they had copies of the two books I wanted- they had neither.
When I arrived at work about 10 minutes late, two of my co-workers were sitting outside the door like a couple of elementary students pow-wowing before class. They were my two favorites, and greeted me without the slightest hint of “why the hell are you late” in their tone.
Halfway into my disappointing coffee drink my eye twitch woke up. I usually develop an eye twitch as a result of massive amounts of caffeine consumption- so I was not at all surprised by it. Today I have a pile of paperwork to keep me occupied and hopefully after lunch, a new book to read.
Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, only two more days of 12 hour shifts… but still 4 more days till little bear comes home.
I was woken up by the vibration of my cell phone fifteen minutes after my alarm had already gone off. I don’t want to get out of bed today. I want to stay right here…enveloped in my soft, pillowy warm bed, like a little fresh-baked muffin. (Man, I must be hungry?) Finally, it’s a message from someone I don’t mind waking up too…so I swing my legs over the side of my bed and take my muffin self into the bathroom to shower. Hair, make –up, nylons… and I slip on my dark grayish blue Juicy Couture dress. This dress is one of my prized possessions and I haven’t been able to fit into it for well over two years; that is the one and only upside of stress- it looks pretty good on me.
When I stopped to get my morning latte I had completely forgotten my sister wasn’t working, which meant two things; I’d have to actually pay for my coffee and it was probably not going to taste very good. I was correct in both my assumptions. I did however leave a happy customer, because one very sweet young lady complimented me, “ That dress looks great on you, “ she said…if it had been a male I would have replied with a breathy and seemingly nonchalant “ I know,” but it was not, so I graciously thanked her and sauntered out to my car. If only she knew how much I paid for it, I thought, she would probably slap me stupid.
Instead of being ahead of schedule I was now running late. I had planned on getting up early so that I might have time to swing by a used bookstore on my way to work, however; it turned out that showing up there would have been an unsuccessful venture anyway because after calling to see if they had copies of the two books I wanted- they had neither.
When I arrived at work about 10 minutes late, two of my co-workers were sitting outside the door like a couple of elementary students pow-wowing before class. They were my two favorites, and greeted me without the slightest hint of “why the hell are you late” in their tone.
Halfway into my disappointing coffee drink my eye twitch woke up. I usually develop an eye twitch as a result of massive amounts of caffeine consumption- so I was not at all surprised by it. Today I have a pile of paperwork to keep me occupied and hopefully after lunch, a new book to read.
Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, only two more days of 12 hour shifts… but still 4 more days till little bear comes home.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Oh, George.
My alarm went off at 6:15, in five more minutes…I had several missed messages and none from anyone I wanted to hear from. My room was a disaster zone, and I stepped on my headphones for the third morning in a row and followed it up with a nice light slam into Charlotte’s crib. Oh Wednesday, what did I ever do to you? I get into the bathroom and put my face up close to the mirror, grinning wide at my blue stained teeth. Can’t they figure out a way to make teeth more stain resistant…or white wine taste better so I don’t have to drink red? I slept in a ridiculous get-up, especially for someone sleeping alone- I mean what good is a little black silk nightgown if the only man in your bed is your two-year old’s stuffed animal named George?
Right before I leave for work my mom informs me that If I can’t take over my insurance payment for the car they “bought me” by next month, they will be replacing it with a less expensive and assuredly less attractive vehicle. Of course you spring this on me now, and of course I can’t afford it, I told you not to get this car in the first place?! I will deal with this later, right now there is a triple, sugar-free, soy vanilla latte with my name all over it waiting for me at Grand Central Coffee station; Hello 12 hour shift number 4.
The first thing I wanted to do when I got to work was write, however I was surprisingly occupied and by the time lunch rolled around I figured it’d be best not to take care of it till everyone else was gone. Now it’s me and the security guy- stranded in this three story building, with nothing but the sounds of humming computer monitors and an overzealous air conditioner to mask the silence. I miss Charlotte so bad that I don’t even want to go home tonight. 5 more days.
Right before I leave for work my mom informs me that If I can’t take over my insurance payment for the car they “bought me” by next month, they will be replacing it with a less expensive and assuredly less attractive vehicle. Of course you spring this on me now, and of course I can’t afford it, I told you not to get this car in the first place?! I will deal with this later, right now there is a triple, sugar-free, soy vanilla latte with my name all over it waiting for me at Grand Central Coffee station; Hello 12 hour shift number 4.
The first thing I wanted to do when I got to work was write, however I was surprisingly occupied and by the time lunch rolled around I figured it’d be best not to take care of it till everyone else was gone. Now it’s me and the security guy- stranded in this three story building, with nothing but the sounds of humming computer monitors and an overzealous air conditioner to mask the silence. I miss Charlotte so bad that I don’t even want to go home tonight. 5 more days.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 4....
After somehow surviving a horrendously boring 12 hour shift at work yesterday I could not wait to get home, take a nice warm bath and sink into bed. However, when I got home I didn’t head straight for the shower or the bedroom…I stepped into a painfully quiet house, passed through the unusually clean living room and into an empty kitchen. I realized that my little Charlotte bear was not going to be greeting me with a warm hug and some random broken-up explanation of whatever it was she just got done doing, which was usually terrorizing our cat Scout, or making a huge mess “washing her hands” in the sink (and thoroughly soaking everything else in the general vicinity)...
That was night number 3 and this is day number 4, now the exciting anticipation for a little temporary freedom has been replaced by the yearning for that beautifully demanding responsibility of taking care of my daughter. And I still have 5 more days.
What will I do with all this time on my hands...
I've rounded up the usual suspects; Merlot, Ms. Jane Austen and my notebook full of shitty poetry. Let the self-loathing begin!
That was night number 3 and this is day number 4, now the exciting anticipation for a little temporary freedom has been replaced by the yearning for that beautifully demanding responsibility of taking care of my daughter. And I still have 5 more days.
What will I do with all this time on my hands...
I've rounded up the usual suspects; Merlot, Ms. Jane Austen and my notebook full of shitty poetry. Let the self-loathing begin!
Monday, August 16, 2010
For you, who I used to love.
Most days I don’t talk like this, I don’t even think like this. Not out loud at least, and not for all or any of you who might read this. But today I have to be sincere and maybe a little vulnerable. I do not expect all the people in my life to understand all the choices I’ve made. I don’t think I have regrets and I don’t truly believe most of us do, because to me regret comes from hurt and pain…and as slowly and unbearable as it may be, pain eventually goes away. My “regret” never comes from wishing I made a different choices, it comes from knowing the choices I made hurt someone. But I think that it is impossible to find happiness if you cannot live and love in spite of someone else.
People have hurt me, have lied and cheated and done whatever they needed to do in order to find their happiness. And I have done the same.
I know that at the time I had to hate them, I could not understand and I could not justify anything that happened and swore I never would. But, It is so much simpler to comprehend and so much harder to be angry when you let time heal your wounds, and find yourself looking back at the before now that you’re in the after. When you get to the point where you have lost the energy to be angry. When the suffocating hands of hatred have finally loosened their grip, when you stop falling asleep hurt and waking up angry, when you realize that following your heart ultimately means you will break someone else’s and someone else will break yours. And trust me, you will get there. But for now, tell me and whoever else will listen about the pain you feel, and the pain you wish on me. Say whatever you need to say, because we all have to do it, but I have to tell you that I won’t let myself believe it all.
Because even though I lost your love, even though I might not be in love now, there is no such thing as “as good as it gets” and there is no such thing as losing the best thing you ever had. Love is not a onetime thing and love is not something you lose forever. It is not possible to never love again or to never find someone to love you.
People have hurt me, have lied and cheated and done whatever they needed to do in order to find their happiness. And I have done the same.
I know that at the time I had to hate them, I could not understand and I could not justify anything that happened and swore I never would. But, It is so much simpler to comprehend and so much harder to be angry when you let time heal your wounds, and find yourself looking back at the before now that you’re in the after. When you get to the point where you have lost the energy to be angry. When the suffocating hands of hatred have finally loosened their grip, when you stop falling asleep hurt and waking up angry, when you realize that following your heart ultimately means you will break someone else’s and someone else will break yours. And trust me, you will get there. But for now, tell me and whoever else will listen about the pain you feel, and the pain you wish on me. Say whatever you need to say, because we all have to do it, but I have to tell you that I won’t let myself believe it all.
Because even though I lost your love, even though I might not be in love now, there is no such thing as “as good as it gets” and there is no such thing as losing the best thing you ever had. Love is not a onetime thing and love is not something you lose forever. It is not possible to never love again or to never find someone to love you.
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