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I remember sitting at work one day at a job I really enjoyed- but was barely paying me enough to survive on. I was living pay check to pay check and sometimes off my credit card. I loved my office, my desk…I loved that town and I loved a man. But making the choice to move back home for a better paying job was put off for one reason and one reason only. It wasn’t about losing the job I loved, the town I loved, or the man I loved; I would lose my independence.

I would have to swallow my enormous although arguably foolish pride and allow myself to become more dependent on people than I really ever had been. It would take me a while to get on my feet again and I would have to do something I hadn't done since I was 18; live with my parents.

I have been arguing with my mother non-stop all day and the chain of events leading up to my move home almost 9 months ago have been playing over and over through my head (maybe that’s why I have a headache). This dreadful feeling of failure and desperation is creeping around inside me like a dirty little thief. I feel as if I’ve somehow become less of a mother, less of a provider…for living with them. What they don’t understand is that I don’t want to be there anymore than they don’t want me too. Like all parents, they would “do anything” for me, or Charlotte at least…but it seems there is always some condition, some issue…something usually out of my control that creates this massive looming tension lurking around every corner and filling every room; this dark, heavy cloud slowly stifling us all.

I used to not need anyone, and now I don't WANT to need them, but I have no choice.

Derek told me once that I would never need anyone- or at least that I thought I didn’t. Brian told me after our relationship ended almost the exact same thing, that he had always felt left out,  like I would never allow him to get both feet through the door.

....and now I can finally see him: eagerly pacing from side to side, stranded at the velvet ropes just waiting to be let in, ignoring the painfully bright and flashing neon sign dangling above his head ; Members Only.

I miss my independence. I mean I really, really miss it. I miss Charlotte and I living in our own little world, our tiny little family unit- just me and her against the world. I know I will get it back someday, I know I can pick myself up and start over again…but maybe this time I will find a balance. Some sort of happy medium that I thought I was looking for, that I think I was striving to find… but that I never quite allowed myself to fall into.