This Chick Can Party.

I feel my phone vibrate my pillow and I blindly swipe around for it until I give up and roll out of bed. I toss my pillow to the floor and grab my phone, Charlotte stood up in here crib and rubbing her eyes she said,
“ You need coffee Mama, I need bagel.”

She knows me so well, and our simple routine; coffee and bagels, park, then usually the grocery store.

I lift her out of her crib and she runs out the door, she climbs up on her stool and starts brushing her teeth. As she destroys the bathroom, I throw on some leggings and clumsily paw through the pile of clothes on my bedroom floor for a bra. None of my bras really fit me right now; I angrily look down at my bright pink brassiere like it is somehow responsible for with my disappearing boobs. What is really frustrating is the fact that it’s not like when I start gaining weight my boobs are gonna get huge- nope, that will just happen to my ass.

I find a t- shirt and don’t realize what it says till I am pulling it over my head as I walk into the bathroom “This Chick Can Party” with two thumbs pointing upwards….oh well, this was one of my favorite shirts to wear when I was pregnant....

For the first time over the last few days, and if I really am honest with myself, over the past few weeks, I feel okay. I need a facial badly, I need to stop text- stalking my girlfriends (because I’m a little lonely…) and I definitely need some good old fashion retail therapy- but other than that I am feeling pretty gosh darn good today.

Charlotte exclaims, “Look Mama, I wash-a my hands and brush a-my teeth!”

I yank a towel off the door hanger and mop up her mess- we scramble into the car and of course the first thing she says is “I want Lady Gaga Mama!” Were singin and dancin, crusin along to Aunt Kate’s coffee shop and Charlotte tells me, “Mama turn it down” so I do and looking at her through the rear view mirror I say, “ What’s wrong Bear, no more Lady Gaga?” She wiggles her little butt down into her car seat and claps her tiny hands on both her cheeks, she smiles the cutest baby Char Char smile and says, “ I just love-a you Mama.”

I don’t care who thinks otherwise I’m convinced my child is a genius- of colors and shapes and numbers and words and most of all- of moments. My unknowing poetic angel, my peanut butter & jelly eating,princess costume-wearing saving grace.

Later that evening I stroll up the stairs and into the office at work and head straight for the espresso machine. Its free coffee- but that is about the only good thing about this coffee. Of course I burn my tongue, because although I watch the piping hot steam roll over the brim of my Styrofoam cup I somehow don’t take this into consideration when I take my first sip. I take a lap around the office because it’s totally dead and when I sit down at my desk I glance over and see a message from my mother. Shockingly enough it is not about how I forgot to empty the dishwasher, left a pile of Charlottes toys in the living room- or even about whether or not I will be able to make my car payment- nope she has run into a high school friend of mine; even worse.

My mother has this idea in her head that I need to re-connect with people whom I have not spoken too or seen since I was 17 years old. She especially likes to update and inform me on former male classmates and how successful they have become; she follows up her tormenting comments with “Oh he always liked you Meghan but you were just always after those bad boys…” or, “He has a girlfriend but they don’t seem that serious….”Her Facebook account has made this information much more accessible therefore turning her mildly humiliating hobby into an all-out, match-making torture fest. But I digress,

“You will never believe who we just saw at Applebee’s…”

Actually, I think to myself, I probably can believe it because I am almost 99 % sure that at least four people I graduated with are either current or former employees. Instead of responding to my mother, I immediately text my sister who was at dinner with them as well…

“Alright, who the hell did she give my number to now…” I say. Kate responds, “ HA. HA. HA. You’re in luck- it’s just Jake.”

Jake. That was lucky. Of all the people it could have been I was actually very, very happy that I would soon be hearing from him. He was from Pasco and was a few years older, but I grew up best friends with his neighbor and that is how we met. My first spring break in college I flew to Arizona to see him, we had never been anything more than friends and he was one of the only men in my life, to this day, who has remained my friend for this long and never tried sleeping with me. He was going to college there, and would be deploying to the Middle East soon after my visit. He called me occasionally from Afghanistan, and the last phone call I got from him ended with me, telling him I was pregnant.

He hadn’t known much about Derek, we had talked so few times that he didn’t recall I even had a boyfriend. I have no idea what he said back to me but at the point of that phone call I had not seen him in over a year- and would not see him again for another two.

He texted me later that night as I was crawling into bed. I didn’t even know he was living in Tri-Cities anymore, the last I heard it was California?

“Well the last I heard you were pregnant, I couldn’t believe that was your daughter at dinner…”

The next afternoon I was preparing the kitchen for dinner, and my phone lit up as I was cutting chicken. I had for some reason had a really bad day, not crying but definitely not smiling, just tired and trying to think about anything but what I couldn’t stop thinking about. He was wondering what I was doing later that night, and I said we were making dinner- Kate would be here and her boyfriend was bringing a puppy over to play with Charlotte.

“You remember how to get to my parents house?” I asked,

“Oh of course I do…” he said,

“Well I look shit, but you can come over if you want…” I reply,

“I am pretty sure I have seen you in just about every way possible…” I laughed to myself and quickly replied,

“See ya in a bit then.”