Needing Google

As my coffee cup was overflowing onto the countertop Charlotte was yelling for me from her new bedroom. I tripped over my shoes and stepped on Barbie’s head as I scrambled to her bed. She wanted to pick out which underwear to put on and decided to go with the bright pink ones “cause these ones match my Princess dress…” after she got dressed she headed for her table and chairs and started coloring. I frowned as I started cleaning up the precious wasted coffee, I should probably cut back…my pee smells like French roast.

I just need no one to talk to me for an hour, or maybe two hours…or maybe a whole day. The sound of talking or someone talking to me or me talking… just sound of any kind in general makes me anxious. I woke up annoyed by the sound of the wind and knew anything other than quiet was going to be intolerable today.

I sat down on the couch and watched Charlotte meticulously placing her new Cinderella stickers on some yellow construction paper. I started daydreaming about sitting by myself- surrounded by the sour air of this new apartment. I thought about sitting on the damp ground at the edge of the river where Charlotte likes to throw rocks at the Geese and then pretend like it was an accident. Only this time I would be by myself…myself, me, me, I. Selfish?

“Mommy I NEED my stamps”, Charlotte proclaimed. I got up and started shuffling through her canvas box of art supplies…she then insisted I sit with her, so we sat and she stamped and I spaced out. 

I kept thinking about work and how it was stressing me out, I was thinking about an argument I had the night before. But then I started thinking about how lucky I was to have what I do, my daughter and him and my apartment and my new car  but then it crept into my mind that now all the things that I have cost more so maybe that was why today was not going to be a good day-because I kept thinking about money. 

I kept thinking how dependent I’d become on the people in my life, how now I needed my job….I needed a can opener and a new bed and when I didn’t have those things someone else got them for me and then I realized how much I needed them- so now I'm needy. Great.

It was only 9 am now and we had been up for a couple hours. After we ate our scrambled eggs we had an orange and I kept changing my mind about whether or not to go church. I hate leaving her in Sunday School but she talks and dances and kicks the persons chair in front of us if she goes to “Big Girl church” so I decided we would go to my parents house for the afternoon. Charlotte wore her princess dress and red sparkly high-heels on the car ride. She wants to listen to song 6 and song 8 and then Taylor Swift but I think I lost that CD a month ago….so we switched to the radio, I set the cruise and we headed to Burbank. 

Charlotte ran out of the car and into the house. She immediately demanded that my dad play Wizard of Oz with her. My mom was on the couch and I sat down at the computer. 

I Googled "restlessness", and read How to Cure Neurasthenia- Damn you Google.... 

Then I Googled "the Bible" ....then I read some stuff I didn't understand. 

So then I googled " The Bible and restlessness" and then I read Romans 14, then I decided I was going to church tonight. 

I also decided that maybe what I really needed wasn't anything in the aforementioned. 

How to successfully instigate pointless arguments and win them.

The methodology behind the stupid fight phenomenon is not difficult to master. Those of you in relationships know your partner well enough to know exactly what to say or do to strategically degrade their happiness down to your own miserable state of mind. Intentionally prodding someone out to the brink of their sanity only to then manipulate them into believing they are at fault or in any way deserving of this maltreatment, (cleverly brought on by yourself) is an art form we have all skillfully perfected.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of various passive aggressive statements and actions which have proven to be victorious in the times I like to let my irrational insecurities take over, and embark on the quest of ultimate button- pushing. 

1. Begin your statement with “ So, I was looking on your Facebook page….” 

( Literally anything said beyond this point is going to be one of the stupidest things you have ever said, ever).

2. Update your Facebook status to something vague and misleading- causing your partner massive insecurity and your friends (that they hate) to thumbs-up it- cause hey, everyone likes a failing relationship.

3. After ignoring at minimum of 2 phone calls from someone, wait ten more minutes and send them a slighted text message along the lines of, “ Hey, did you need something” or “I’ll call you later”…(when you’re done doing nothing, cause your really not doing anything that hinders you from answering your phone, and they know this.)

4. Make a bold promise you have no intention of keeping.

5. Lead them on by sending suggestive text messages all day about how frisky you want to get later- then throw at fit about how bloated you are-refuse to do anything even remotely sexual- and accuse them of constantly pressuring you to mess around.

6. Avoid being straight forward with your significant other when they repeatedly ask you throughout the day what you’re doing that night. After an all day text-a-thon with your best friends planning a crazy shit show night out, shoot a quick text to your boyfriend/girlfriend informing them that you’ll be going out tonight- and then pretend like you JUST found out what was going on.

7. Avoid being straight forward with your significant other in general, about everything.

8. When they casually comment about how they really don’t feel like going to work today- hastily respond by saying, “Really, cause your job is so hard."

9. When they casually comment about how they really can’t wait to see you again, make them feel clingy and desperate by responding with, “ I just saw you yesterday….”

10.  Tell your better half you want to do something-just the two of you this upcoming weekend, impeding their ability to make any plans with anyone else. Then Saturday afternoon, bail. Legitimate reason or not- it’s going to ignite a colossal freak-the-freak out inferno.

11. Ask them where they want to go to dinner, then oppose every suggestion they make.

12. Be texting on your phone incessantly the entire time you guys are hanging out- it helps if you are laughing and smiling as well.

13. Leave the cap off the toothpaste, your clothes on the floor, your various hair styling tools, products and other shit all over the bathroom- then spend your entire day off in bed, doing nothing.

14.  As your both preparing for a night out, allow yourself to get unnecessarily irritated by the amount of text messages his/her best friend is sending your partner about their impending excitement. Then on the way to the bar, totally destroy their happy-go-lucky attitude by turning down the radio and saying, “ You’re not going to get all like…super stupid wasted tonight…....right?"

15. Always refer to his friends as “Bros”

16 .  Always refer to her friends as “Sluts”

17.   Upload a picture to Facebook of you doing something mildly offensive on your vacation (without them) last summer. You know, that vacation you argued about for weeks leading up to, hate-texted throughout, and fought for weeks about afterwards.  Then comment on it obsessively with your friends about how you want to go back “Soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad"

18. Suggest that they start working out.

19. Always forget to call them back after you had to hang up real quick cause you had another call coming in....

20. Always forget to call them back, period.

21. Don’t tell them beforehand that you’re meeting up with all your friends after work for some drinks- text them at 1 am and tell them.

22. Upload a picture to Facebook of you doing anything fun, without them.

23.  Add one of your exes, then when your significant other see’s that you and Mr.One-Nighter just became “friends”, say something condescending like, “ You’re really going to get mad about something on FACEBOOK.”

24. Constantly lie about the smallest most insignificant things that you have  99.9% of getting called out on anyway- then act all offended when your partner starts questioning you about more serious issues. How dare you assume that because I’ve lied about multiple inconsequential things, I would lie to you about something of substance.

25. And Last but not least………be inconsistent and vague when it comes to discussing your “future” together.

The Game

I’m curled up on the couch and powering through my third cup of black coffee (I’m so hard core now sans creamer…) I have been scrolling through Facebook clicking and liking…commenting and half listening to what Jennifer is saying on the phone, half paying attention to the addictive cyber world at my fingertips.

I have been selectively hearing a majority of this conversation, not because I am (arguably) a bad friend, or  because I don’t have any sincere concern for her current conundrum-because I do. But we have had this conversation so ridiculously many times before that I have to image she is getting just as tired of saying all this crap as I am of hearing it. Nevertheless, she has done the same for me, so here we are diving into the dark and mysterious depths of the dating underworld.

“He said he in't playing games with me, he said that like…he didn’t mean to hurt me but he doesn’t really know how he feels… so he didn’t really know where we stand…”

Blah blah blah…by the end of the story she finally tells me what REALLY happened; they’ve been dating for a month then she saw him out at the bar (with some other lucky lady)…and it all went downhill from there.

All I got on the other end of this convo was that Mr. “I don’t know how I feel”….has now impressively graduated from the Jr. College School of Douche Bags and been accepted into the masters program of Ultimate Douche Lord Academy, where you arrive a mindless, Fireball-shooting bro, and leave a fine-tuned bro-tastic machine; never committing and hopefully never reproducing.

Jennifer is unfortunately drawn to these types of boys (we don’t want to go throwing the term “men” around loosely…) …or these boys are drawn to Jennifer. I’m not entirely sure which one is wooing whom, but I’ve attempted multiple times to gently suggest some minimal changes in Jennifer’s approach to meeting guys- and have failed miserably to get my point across.

I’ve mentioned, for example…her unnecessarily tight-fitting clothing...save the slutty outfits for Vegas, where they belong. Or... her topics of conversation- usually limited to working out and college sorority stories- "You have a cool job...tell him about that, or ask him about his... and try to steer clear of talking about your physco ex...."

But...it's Vegas so it's okay...

I've pointed out her unusual inability to talk in her “normal” voice when surrounded by a group of drooling idiots...and for crying out loud playing 80's music on the Jukebox does not make you seem like a cool chick- it makes you lip sync the wrong words to songs you barely know anyways.

 "Let's just get a beer so you don’t end up falling-down wasted within the first 45 minutes of  being at the bar...(as she orders another Vodka/Cran....)

Which brings me to my next suggestion…don’t look for your dream guy at the bar; in fact just stop looking. I think as women we somehow feel that it is our responsibility to FIND a guy. Afterall, they are too stupid to know what they want and how to get it so us women must carry the burden of guiding these lost and helpless souls to meet the woman of their dreams...

Unfortunately this is not the case.

I have been just as clueless, just as drunk and acting slightly desperate in my day so I am not at all suggesting that I am above the aforementioned. And it takes a long time for some of us to figure it out (including myself), but if you keep doing what you have always done, you will always end up where you have already been.

She goes on and on and starts discussing her tactics for what we all often times refer to dating as, “The Game”.

“He said he wasn’t trying to play games….” Yes I thought to myself, you said that earlier…

But when I hear the words “playing games” come out of your mouth- I know, you probably have been. In fact, if you’re the one utilizing that terminology in the conversation…you’ve been playing, refereeing, and keeping score in this “game”.

I would not be able to change her mind about giving Mr. Wrong another chance, but I felt like I finally had to be blunt about what I thought. Underneath her great boobs, pearly white smile, and sometimes dense conversational abilities….she was just like me and all the other women I know- who sincerely want and deserve a great guy, but who don't need to settle and don't NEED to find him tomorrow.

Pouty-face offender.

She doesn’t want to play games anymore; most of us hope to get the hell out of that crap post-college graduation, pre- cougar status.  And admittedly, if it wasn’t for the person I am with now, I would still be in the starting 5 of the peace-sign and pouty lips in every picture-too much eye makeup and not enough clothing or self-respect-lineup. 

For most of us there is hope- and although the likelihood of it happening is very slim...we just need a good friend to remind us that if we do become crazy single cat-ladies, it would put us better off than the woman who has more cleavage than brain cells, and has strategically doomed herself to become a closet-alcoholic housewife with an online shopping addiction.

So, the next time your best friend calls you with the same old story about the same stupid games, tell her that she might not get it yet- and you’ll be there for her until she does. And when she is ready to sub-out, you'll be waiting for her on the bench. 

30 days

"When she starts writing about you, it's over." He said, (he heard)


I'm in trouble.

I rolled my eyes so far back into my head they could have gotten stuck there-stopped dead staring into the knotted web of my fanatical brain.  A mild obsession perhaps, but when a week or two or ten go by… that little voice responsible for encouraging my good and bad decisions, the one that feebly attempts to navigate my uncharted mind, either whispers, screams and either way demands; you must write.

The phone conversation lasted for hours and by the end of it nothing was resolved, nobody slept- unless he lied, and the next day when he showed up the false cordiality of the evening made the room colder and my nails much, much shorter. I wasn't writing now because I was mad- I mean, I was mad but I didn't know about what or at whom- and I would quickly discover that it was not my turn to be mad- it was my turn to be sorry.

When people demand that you change-even if it truly is for the better, how fast can you get over yourself and into the state of mind that allows you to accept change as an outstretched hand of genuine concern rather than a violent shove of self-righteous judgment?

Well based on the state of my current circumstance, I have concluded that it takes me about 6 months or so.

Add on an extra week to admit that it was probably about 5 months too many. I say this because I firmly believe that based on the time allotted for so many other life-changing endeavors, 30 days should technically be an acceptable amount of time to, for lack of a better phrase; get your shit together.

30 day detox, lose 20 lbs in 30 days, 30 day photo challenge, 30 day countdown too(insert event most likely not deserving of any sort of countdown…) 30 days of community service...Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred, 30 day weather forecast…30 days…hath September? I don’t know how that last one relates but…30 days seems reasonable.

Per usual, I have allowed myself an inordinate amount of time to decide whether or not I was ready or willing to be…a little bit better than I was. Or maybe a lot-a-bit better. Nevertheless, I had spent way too much time keeping him guessing and ultimately keeping us from growing. And now, the decision was slipping out of my faltering hands and into the lap of the guy I essentially didn’t deserve-right now- and who essentially was saying just that.

When someone loves you they love all of you- even though you bite your nails and lose your keys and leave your cell phone everywhere except for in your purse, forget to call them back, always make them come to you, always wait till the last second to make plans, talk obsessively about your co-workers, order the most expensive thing on the menu and eat barely half of it, complain about their super douchey best friend every time they hang out together and….if you’re picking up what I’m putting down here-they just love you even though you’re probably a huge pain in the ass.

This makes me more than lucky. It has probably made me lucky before, but it didn’t mean anything to me then. So now- with essentially just luck on my side, I had to convince him that I didn’t start spilling out all my secrets because of something ending, it was the recognition of a new beginning that had made that little voice chirp.

Reassuring him that I wasn’t giving up on this and practically begging that he didn’t give up on me- was partially successful, I think. I had found myself too many times on the receiving end of this conversation  and I was finally coming to the humbling realization that I had been the reason I had been unhappy- and him too.

I had managed to make the last 6 months about me, myself and I...plus...more me. What I needed, what I wanted, what I was "ready" for and willing to do, what I deserved, what I expected,...Simon says.....do everything I say. 

Me... Demanding? Selfish? Bossy? Con....tro...l...I cant even finish the word because it is down right preposterous to imagine that I...was, an idiot. 

I desperately clung to a few small compromises I had made...that of course in my mind were enormous forfeitures of my identity, selflessly cast aside.... all for the betterment of this primarily one-sided relationship in which all my sacrifices benefited myself more than anybody else, really....  

I quit smoking, how dare you ask me to take better care of myself and ultimately improve my overall health and well-being!

I...kind of stopped biting my nails, sometimes. 

I practically never went out with all my rowdy friends that I 99.9% of the time did something catastrophically stupid with (best summer ever...?) 

I mean I HAVE BENT OVER BACKWARDS ...to change my behavior in a positive and constructive way...which if you ask me, is very unreasonable...

...Okay I see your point.

So, I gave up.

After a night of hearing everything I needed to hear- face to face- we slowly started making some headway. The list of specifics are probably the things we all change or consider changing (or fight about changing) in order to make a relationship work. We can be cliché, after all this is a blog, and remember that it is always a two-way street …it will take both of us to make it work- and you, or namely I in this case….may need to remind myself that sacrifice doesn’t have to mean complete surrender. 

Eventually all of us who are searching for love or who have love and want more from it- will end up on both sides of the spectrum. You will be told  by the person you love, that they need more or need different. and You will find yourself asking the person you love for something more or something different. And once you both accept each other- for being the huge pain in the ass that you are- you can start working on the things that really need to change, that really make or break a relationship, and mean the most to both of you.

Art School

The day she told me she was moving it was raining. Nicotine clouds floated out of her mouth and up into the damp air. She was moving home from art school and we were going to fight about it. I still can't understand the part of her that was never truly happy. She had everything and never wanted any of it...she decided she was eccentric and made up her mind a long time ago that she was always going to drive a shitty car, bounce around from city to city, complaining about her parents and pretending she had a reason to be depressed.

We were going to fight about this because I was fed up with her charade. I was tired of her throwing away every opportunity, squandering every chance at the life I knew I was never going to have. She had for so many years, meticulously destroyed piece by piece of herself and her future and I couldn't stand it anymore.

I said I didn't want to hear about it this time. I said she was a spoiled brat and the whole artsy pot-head routine was getting old. I said that I didn't want to know why... or where she was going now. I said so many horrible things... and she just said one,

"I never thought you- of all people, could hurt me like this." And we haven't spoken since.

But isn't it only me, of all people- that could hurt her that way? Only the people that love you the most can cut you the deepest. And you don't fight, really fight...with people you don't love.

The people who mean nothing to you might ruin your day, they might make you lose an hour or two of sleep....set you off on some tyrannical Facebook campaign filled with moronic cliches ....they might hit on your boyfriend or be the reason behind your 4 beers after work on a Monday night. But, those people can't hurt you, not really hurt you.

The other ones, the ones you love...they know all your secrets. They know when you lie to someone you love, when you make a catastrophic mistake and swear each other to secrecy. They've seen you throw up on yourself, cry over some douche bag not worth your tears, they've helped you Facebook stalk your ex, they have listened to your say horrible things about all your other friends and despite you being crazy, demanding, selfish and often times flat out stupid, they love you anyway and you love them for accepting what a disaster you are. 

These people never intentionally want to hurt you but they inevitably will, because these people who love you when your wrong, still expect you to do right. These people hold you accountable which means these people wont always accept your excuses, but that doesn't mean they don't accept you. 

I had thought about all of this on my drive to work. And this morning, I was late for the first time. Work had consumed my days, it ran through all my thoughts at night, it made my feet hurt, my head hurt, it made Charlotte's grandmother pick her up from daycare because I was going to have to stay late again. It made me happy to be back in Tri-Cities, it made me happy that I was growing and in control.... it made me smile when I got a raise. But most of the time, it made me lose my freaking mind. 

It's all I talked about, it's all I focused on. If I was getting my coffee or calling my mom or drinking beer at my sister's bar I was talking about work and low and behold...it was starting to drive everybody nuts. And with everybody going nuts and me already nuts, I should have known the fight was coming and that if I wasn't careful, I would end up with another story about how I hurt someone I loved, and we never forgave each other.

Winter

If you’ve been there before, you know what it feels like to be there again.  You can retrace the moments that lead up to this point; this thought, those words, that night.... you talked yourself into, then out of, what that tiny voice was telling you….

You are not happy

….are you?

I think some days, most people wake up unhappy. And I think some people wake up unhappy most days.  And Some days I find myself wondering which one of those people I might be. 

Maybe it’s just winter. I just stand there, freezing in my towel and soaking the carpet beneath my pink toes. I stare out the window frantically searching for one small sliver of glittery sunlight…one tiny ray of warmth. Maybe it’s just winter. Before I know it the dark will rise, the clouds will part and the sun will come barreling out of the sky and land right on top of my wet, tangled head and then, there will be happiness.

 I sprint back into my bedroom, throw myself into bed and rip the covers over my head. Above the noise of my chattering teeth I hear my head tell my body that were just cold and its just winter. 

10 minutes later my phone vibrates off the edge of my dresser and onto the floor. Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for the sake of my job, I am incapable of sleeping through my alarm.  Charlotte wakes up to the sound of me dropping my hair dryer and curling iron on the bathroom floor. She wants a red clip in her hair and her silver sequin boots. “Mommy you have silver boots too, but they don’t have sparkles….” She is standing on top of the toilet, sabotaging my overpriced lip gloss and telling her new stuffed animal, Eric, that she won’t be taking him to daycare today because he was naughty yesterday. I almost forget as were piling into my new car, that today my first payment is due, that I can’t pick her up from daycare because I’m training an employee tonight and that I forgot my wallet in my bedroom on that pile of clothes in my closet (as usual). 

When I drop her off at daycare I take a left instead of a right, I set my cruise instead of hit the gas, I turn up the radio instead of get out my cell phone, and I think that might have been the morning of that night I mentioned earlier.